I Just) Died in Your Arms
by Saishi
Summary: Quatre remembers past encounters... but who is it? WARNINGS: heavy angst, sexual references, odd pairing alert.


(I Just) Died In Your Arms  
-----------------------------------  
  
When was the first time I saw her? How long ago was it that I found myself in the one situation that I'd never even dreamed of? Not that long, really. A matter of months, maybe. We crossed paths on a daily basis... ships in the dark. Until the first day we ran abreast of each other and noticed that perhaps we were a bit more alike than we'd first imagined.  
  
--Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must have been something you said  
I just died in your arms tonight --  
  
I can still feel her hands tracing over my skin, fingernails leaving faint risen tracks as my body arched beneath hers. I'd never imagined that one could feel as though they were flying, falling and drowning all in the same breath. She brought me to heights I hadn't realized existed, made each movement a labour of love as she discovered my limits and in turn, she let me discover her own. She kept me close, encouraging my explorations as my own trembling hands learned how to touch... how to pleasure her. I cried out her name that night more times than I can remember.  
  
But did she call out mine? I can't recall...  
  
--I keep looking for something I can't get  
Broken hearts lie all around me  
And I don't see an easy way to get out of this  
Her diary it sits on the bedside table  
The curtains are closed, the cats in the cradle   
Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this --  
  
I was her shoulder to cry on. She was a stable point within the storm for me. In the day, we were merely acquaintances, nothing more. We went about our daily routines of classes and talks... we had our circles of friends and enemies, just as any other students would. By night, we were clinging to each other as if it was the only way to hang onto our nearly severed sanity. There was no love involved... I'm not foolish enough to think that and neither is she. The one I loved was dead by my own hand... the one she loved was oblivious to all attempts. Consider it a relationship of convenience more than anything really. She took the last part of me that could be considered innocent, and I gave it willingly.   
  
--Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been something you said  
I just died in your arms tonight  
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been some kind of kiss  
I should've walked away --  
  
Maybe it was a mistake. But I went back to her. I couldn't stay away no matter what I did. During those times, nothing else mattered. The sorrow that we carried, the war still going on above us... none of it mattered. It was the only true time of peace I knew, and I lost myself in that beautiful dream at every opportunity. When the sun would shine once more, I'd swear that it was the last... that I'd not go back and try to erase the misery I'd caused. Part of me revelled in those nights... another part never survived. The part of me that may have been pure, may have been protected against the horrors of fighting... it died a bit more each time I gave up my beliefs and dreams to take what momentary comfort I could find. We were so different, you see... but sometimes those differences can form a stronger bond than any other.   
  
--Is there any just cause for feeling like this?  
On the surface I'm a name on a list  
I try to be discreet, but then blow it again  
I've lost and found, it's my final mistake  
She's loving by proxy, no give and all take  
'cos I've been thrilled to fantasy one too many times --  
  
Laying there, our bodies twined about each other yet again. My fingers twine through her hair, letting it spill over my chest as I try to regain my breath. One hand reaches up, pushing dampened locks back from my own face, my eyes looking up to the blank ceiling in question. The irony astounds me. My heart is dying... mourning for one that I will never see again. Yet my body feels so alive that it tingles beneath every touch. Perhaps if my heart does die, then I won't feel the pain anymore. She tells me that the pain is a weakness... that the feelings I have for those I fight will someday be my undoing. Perhaps she's right. But then again, I've been known for foolishness before.  
  
--Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been something you said  
I just died in your arms tonight  
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been some kind of kiss  
I should've walked away --  
  
Time flies too quickly and I found myself in space once more. I was no more caring or compassionate than the one who travelled with me... and no longer did the pain trifle with me in the day. I couldn't cry any longer... I couldn't bring myself to care. Why should I, when the only thing caring brings is more tears in a time of war. I'd lost count of how many I'd sent to their graves... of how many families would mourn the loss of a loved one by my hands. It didn't matter any longer. All that mattered now was the fight... and winning was the only option we had if we wanted to survive.  
  
--It was a long hot night  
She made it easy, she made it feel right  
But now it's over the moment has gone  
I followed my hands not my head, I knew I was wrong --  
  
I saw him today. He's alive... and I never knew. A part of me that withered away long ago came back... just long enough to be ground beneath misery's heel once more. She was right... I realize that now. I'm better off this way... not caring, not feeling. If I don't feel.. I can't hurt. I don't want to hurt any more. He doesn't know me... can't know me. This is my fault. Just point me towards the battles to come and let us end this farce once and for all. We don't belong here any longer... none of us. We are simply relics of a time when people couldn't see eye to eye, and now we only make matters worse. The colonies betray us... the earth will not have us. Let us give in to the hunt once more and then take our leave to the stars. Let the earth remain in peace, so long as no one can harm it any longer.   
  
--Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been something you said  
I just died in your arms tonight  
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been some kind of kiss  
I should've walked away --  
  
Her name crosses my lips once more... in the one moment I realized that we were not alone on the battlefield any longer. My eyes closed, the images from Zero taking over and showing me everything I didn't want to see. You were right... how I hated to admit that in the past, but now I see for certain. It's better this way. I don't hurt any more. As I open my eyes and see the destruction before me, I can remember her words to me from so long ago. 'The pain is a weakness...'  
  
You took the pain from me so long ago. That part of me that was capable of feeling... it died under your gentle touch. Now send the rest to meet it, Dorothy. I'm coming for you...   
  
Take the rest of the pain away. 


End file.
